“I don’t care if it hurts, I’m tired of lies and all these games. I’ve reached a point in life no longer can I be this way. Don’t come crying to me I too have shed my share of tears. I’m moving on yes, I’m grooving on well I’m finally free. I’ve got to be true to myself!” ~ Ziggy Marley

Today, I was reminded yet again, that no matter how much I try to “blend in” with neurotypicals, it’s just never going to happen. That wall will always be there, to serve as a reminder that I will never belong in the neurotypical (what you would call normal) world. I was sitting at my desk, in an office that I share with another coworker. A coworker who I like, she’s very similar to me. (Quiet, doesn’t like bright light or lots of noise, and doesn’t hang out at the coffee pot every morning socializing).
Well, the women that work upstairs are good friends with my coworker, and through her, I always tried to be social and friendly to them whenever they came downstairs to see my coworker. But no matter what I do, I just don’t fit in. If I try to get in on the discussion I just get lost, sometimes just lost or ignored. I still can’t crack the social code.
So a few months ago, I had given up on being genuine friends with any of the women who work upstairs. And I had given up on having any real friends at work period. Because while I usually get along with, and have more in common with men, at this age it’s an impossibility to have men as friends. They’re all married and have children, and to be my friend, or even to talk to me for too long of a moment would be inappropriate. So I accepted that I was alone at work, there was no possibility of friendship for me there. This acceptance really slapped me in the face when I was told that one of the women upstairs had complained that my Facebook photos were offensive.
I happen to really enjoy boudoir photography, and I have never posted anything inappropriate or offensive in any way. All of the photos I post are tasteful, and the majority of them are blocked in an album which only close friends and family can see. See, my family always wanted me to try to get into modeling. So here I am, modeling for boudoir photography and having a lot of fun doing so, just for me.
Anyway, the fact that someone reported me to my work shocked me. It was another slap in the face. Why? Because I only wanted people on my friends list who were friends, who I interacted with regularly. I never friend requested anyone from work. They began friend requesting me. So what was I gonna do? Be labeled as the bitch who wouldn’t accept friend requests? So I decided to accept them, and I just blocked them from my boudoir album and profile pics. And then I got a little too comfortable, I decided to be who I really am, and I unblocked them. I received a complaint in no longer than a week, and was told to block all coworkers on my list. So I did. And I removed my workplace from my information. I now work at a “Secret Government Agency.”
So I guess I had accepted it for a while, that I was alone at work, there would be no friendship there for me.
But then today, one of the girls I personally like, called my coworker to see if she wanted something for lunch from the restaurant across street. A group of them were all ordering. No one thought to ask me if I wanted anything, considering we were all stuck there due to the weather, I would’ve thought…
But I guess I was wrong. I have a few friends outside of work, and that’s just the way it is. But the best friends of mine who are men are pretty much unreachable now due to their wives’ views of me. Am I threat? Oh well, to hell with it I guess. All I can do is keep moving along, knowing I have Dale, Melissa and Shannon, and a few other friends to get me through the mess that is my life. And I have my parents, my brothers, and my sister. I guess that has to be enough.
All I know is that I’m not going to pretend to be someone I’m not. I’m not going to hide who I am, what I like, or what I do in order to please others. If you can’t accept me the way I am, then you aren’t worthy of my time. So although it may hurt a bit when I get snubbed from a restaurant order at work, or get unfriended on Facebook because I happen to like boudoir photography, I’ll go on. And I’ll always be true to myself.

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